ADHD and the challenge of regulating emotions go hand in hand. It’s like trying to row a boat in a sea with thunder and waves. How do we begin to address the experience of being tossed back and forth by the waves of emotions we experience? Regulating your emotions starts by understanding what a strong foundation looks like for your daily living.
A strong foundation is essential for daily living like building a house. If you take shortcuts, your foundation is compromised and your house is knocked down at the moment a storm comes. A strong foundation is the mindset required to make learning skills that regulate emotions more possible. You see, people tend to go for the strategy, the pill, or some other “quick fix.” But that’s building your house without laying a strong foundation. A strategy or pill doesn’t give the skill.
Challenges in life pile on a lot of pressure! The pressure to perform. To make the grades, to get things done in a shorter amount of time, to say the right things at the right time, and to come through for others without letting them down. Where pressure ignites a typical brain into action, it shuts down the ability of the ADHD brain to think and solve problems at any given moment of any day.
Understand that ADHD commonly thought of as a challenge of inattention is really a challenge of attention because what you pay attention to grows. Pause and reflect on that for a moment. If you are paying attention to dominant thoughts that add pressure like, “I’ve got to make the grade,” “I must meet the deadline,” or “I’ve got to do it. I can’t let them down,” only to come up short on your desired outcome, what will you arrive to as a belief? Dominant negative thoughts result in beliefs like, “I can’t do it,” “I’m incompetent,” “I’m not good enough,” or “I disappoint everyone!” Now, if each morning you wake up to a belief like, “I can’t do it,” then what are the chances you will try it? If you wake up each morning to “I’m incompetent,” then what are the chances you will be motivated to learn to do anything? If you wake up each morning to, “I’m not good enough and I disappoint everyone,” then what are the chances you will feel confident about your day and interactions with others?
You must start by understanding that your brain is an amazing machine, but what fuels your brain are the dominant thoughts that impact that unique brain you have. That means when your brain is fueled by a dominant negative thought ignited by situational pressure and your impulse is to believe “I can’t,” “I’m incompetent,” or “I’m not good enough,” you’ll hit a wall and not do what you intend. Based on a previous negative experience, emotions felt intensely keep you stuck each time your brain is up against the same or similar situation and without being able to access the part of your brain where thinking and problem-solving are possible. That sets you up for a real struggle with adapting to changing situations, responding in over-the-top and exaggerated ways during social exchanges, calming down after an intense emotional wave, and generally maintaining emotional balance.
How do you access the part of the brain where thinking is possible, so you can better regulate your emotions? Let’s talk about Jack, a bright, 20-year-old young adult who lives at home with his parents and recently obtained a job stocking products at the local grocery store. Jack got the job as part of his effort to become more independent. However, he says he has a tendency to “shut down” when he becomes overwhelmed by the quantity of products he must stock during his shift. He looks at the mountain of products and has great difficulty knowing where to start, so, consequently, he never does. He freezes, panics, and leaves the storage room. He quit the job and went home, retreating to what was comfortable, familiar, and safe. The tragedy of Jack’s storyline comes with learning that Jack quit three previous jobs. He knows how to get a job, but formed the belief that he can’t keep a job because his dominant negative thought when starting the work is, “This is too much! I can’t do it!” This is Jack’s storyline, which shows up in his patterns of behavior. To those looking from the outside in, Jack is branded unreliable, won’t follow through on his intentions, and is attached to staying a kid.
Jack is stuck unable to regulate his emotions and is feeling overwhelmed each time he goes to do what he genuinely intends to do with work, but he has difficulty accessing the part of his brain where thinking and reasoning through problems is possible. To help Jack climb out of where he’s stuck, he must stop and pause BEFORE he experiences the intensity of the emotions that stop him from going forward with his work. This starts first by Jack identifying the situation that creates the panic moment and what ignites the overwhelming emotion. Next, Jack must label the emotion. This is an important step many people overlook. To label the overwhelming moment by saying, “I’m frustrated,” “I’m angry,” or “I’m worried,” enables Jack to take an honest look at how he feels in the situation, so can begin accepting how he feels and process it. The next step is for Jack to look at his dominant belief about the overwhelming moment being “This is too much. I can’t do it,” which reinforces his labeled intense feeling of frustration, anger, or worry about not being able to keep a job.
Now that Jack has paused his storyline like a pause button stops a movie on the TV screen, Jack can start accessing his ability to think and reason through the situation in a new way by asking himself if how he is thinking about the situation is serving him well or serving him negatively. If what we pay attention to grows, then we must stop, pause, and pay attention to the situation differently if we are going to better regulate the emotions we experience. Once Jack accepts how he feels and processes the situation, Jack may begin looking at strategies that align with how to reduce his overwhelming emotions and recall what he needs to reduce the otherwise intense emotion in the moment enough to be able to start his work, accomplishing what he intends. For the individual living with ADHD, pressure will slow you down if it doesn’t stop you entirely in your tracks. That is why learning the skill of pausing and attending to the situation to regulate your emotions more effectively is crucial to making meaningful progress with what you want to accomplish. A life coach can assist you with learning this skill and help you nail down a strategy that works for you.
For those looking to empower young adults with ADHD through dedicated coaching and support, explore our ADHD Coaching services to learn how we can assist. Click the connect button below to schedule a call with Steve Gundy today.
